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|Original Air Date:||August 20, 1998|
|Guest Star:||Greta Van Susteren|
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(Opening titles with snappy "Mork & Mindy"-type theme music and credits:)
Attorney at Law
(Space Ghost on the studio set)
Space Ghost (SG): Greetings, I'm Space Ghost. Welcome to the show. (invisos to desk with peppy transition music) On my show tonight, w-- wait a minute, what's this? (picks up piece of paper on his desk) (reads it in low voice) "Tad Eustus Ghostal, this is to inform you that you are the winner of one super deluxe king-sized lawsuit." Lawsuit?! (spews water on camera lens; audience laughter) But who would want to sue lovable me?
Dr. Nightmare (DN): (appears on monitor, laughing)
SG: Jack Lord! It's Doctor Nightmare, my arch-enemy!
DN: That's Dr. Nightmare, Attorney at Law, Mr. Fat Boy. I got my degree at space prison after you unjustly sent me up the galactic river!
SG: Unjustly? You vibro-shocked three galaxies out of existence! You stole fizzy-lifting drinks! And then you tried to steal my brain!
Zorak (Z): Petty larceny.
SG: D'ya mind, Zorak? I'm getting sued here.
Z: I don't mind. Go ahead and get sued. See if I care.
DN: Hey, this is serious, Ghostal. My clients are prepared to sue the unitard offa you!
SG: Clients, my asteroid. This is obviously just another one of your stupid supervillain plots.
DN: Oh yeah, weisenheimer? I got your clients right here. (monitor transitions to Jan and Jace)
SG: (stares, with no recognition) The Wonder Twins?
Jace (J): You jerk, Tad, it's us, Jan and Jace.
SG: Oh, you two. Eh, figures.
Jan (J): We told you if you didn't return our calls you'd hear from our lawyer. And our lawyer is Dr. Nightmare.
DN: Attorney at Law.
J: You owe us, Tad. We aren't seeing a dime from those reruns.
SG: You signed the contracts, nobody forced you. Much.
J: We were just kids, Tad. What were you thinking, taking children into space to fight crime? Exposing us to interstellar gases, laser rays, and unearthly atmospheres which stunted our growth?
J: Look at us, we're still teenagers! I'm stuck in a perpetual prepubescence, and it's all your fault!
J: So we're suing you, for back wages, and damages stemming from emotional distress, mental cruelty, and, for preventing us from receiving the schooling which might have provided us with a future! (breaks down and cries with Jace)
Moltar (M): (in control room) (cries)
Z: Aw, those poor kids.
J: I, I'm sorry Dr. Nightmare.
J: Attorney at Law.
DN: It's all right, son. Now wipe your nose, you're on television.
J: I'll wipe Space Ghost's...
DN: Gentlemen! Please! You can fight like itsy bitsy babies later. (clears throat) Right now we have adult name calling and mud-slinging to attend to.
SG: (clears throat) Should I start?
DN: Oh, by all means.
SG: (takes deep breath) Shyster!
SG: Ambulence chaser!
DN: No talent Hanna-Barbarian!
J: Big meanie!
Z: Knish eater!
M: Uh.. mumbly peg!
Blip (B): (screeches)
SG: Why's that monkey have to be here anyway?
DN: Oh, I forgot to tell ya, the monkey's suing ya too. Cruelty to animals or something.
B: (screeches and screeches in background)
SG: Stupid chimp! Smelly eater of filth! (blasts Blip)
J: You creep! Blip's not dirty, I take him into the shower myself to clean his...
SG: Alright, that's enough, joke's over.
DN: This ain't no joke, Ghostal. I got clients besides the kids and the hairball linin' up to sue the powerbands off ya. Ya ever hear of Cameron Diaz? Flip Orley? Sean Medlock? The Hoover Dam?
SG: I... don't know what you're talking about.
DN: Does France ring a bell at all?
SG: I never touched France!
Z: Sure you did! You blew it up!
SG: Oh well, maybe I did. C'est la vie.
DN: Look, Ghostal, my midgety clients here would like to settle this lawsuit if you'll be willing to, say, rehire them for your talkshow. Is it a deal?
SG: Ih! No can do, Dr. Nightmare!
Z: Attorney at Law.
SG: I've already got two cute useless sidekicks.
M: I'm not useless!
Z: I'm not cute.
Brak (B): I'm not Rappaport.
DN: Well, if you won't settle, then I'm forced to sue you for thirty-two million dollars, plus expenses, and a play toy for the chimp.
Z: Whoa! I want in on that lawsuit!
DN: Okay, sure there, Zorak, on what grounds would you like to sue, you know, Mr. Big Fat Body over there?
Z: Uh, mental cruelty, (cash register sound) physical cruelty, (cash register sound) defamation of cartoon character, (cash register sound)
SG: You rotten kids! This is all your fault! I owe you nothing! Without me you'd be on the Herculoids planet following Gleep and Gloop with brooms! And you two are no longer friends of mine! I'm tellin' that fat geekanerd who does my web page to officially list you two ingrates as enemies from now on.
DN: I've heard enough, Ghostal, I'm gonna work you over in court like hobos into steaks.
J: Yeah! You haven't got a ghost of a chance, Tad!
J: Ah, good one, Jace!
SG: (mocking) Eh, good one, Jace! (sputtering) (Dr. Nightmare's image fades from monitor) Oh boy, the Shatner's really hit the fan now. I'm up Dawson's Creek without a paddle.
Z: You know, my uncle Miranda got sued once.
SG: That's nice. I'm gonna get my own big-shot lawyer and fight fire with napalm. Moltar, phone book, lawyer, extrapolate!
M: Napalm. Ah, to be young again. (throws lever, phone book appears on control room monitor, sound of phone dialing, then ringing, and answer)
Operator (O): Your call is being connected with the next available high-priced lawyer. Please stay on the line. (carnival music)
SG: Perry Mason, please.
M: Matlock! Matlock!
SG: Perry, Perry, Perry, Perry.
M: (long pause) Quincy's not a lawyer!
Z: He's better than a lawyer! He's a coroner!
SG: Oooh, mama, am I nervous! Sweatin' like a Trekkie! (sniff!) I smell like Oil of Olestra.
(Alarm sounds, Greta appears on monitor)
Greta Van Susteren (GVS): Ooh, my special jacket.
SG: (whistles) How about that!
SG: Hi, Miss...
GVS: Greta Van Susteren, lawyer.
SG: Space Ghost, intergalactic dreamboat. (blinks, with Zorak blink sound)
Z: Hey! That's my sound effect! I'm suin'!
M: Me too! I don't have any lines in this show!
SG: You see, Greta, I'm having some legal problems, and...
GVS: Like what, Space Ghost, maybe I can help you.
SG: Well, it's like this. I used to have these sidekicks, Jan and Jace.
SG: And, well, they hired my old arch-enemy, Dr. Nightmare..
Z: Attorney at Law.
SG: .. to sue me.
GVS: Oh dear, for what?
SG: Oh, stupid stuff. They say I endangered their lives, stunted their emotional and physical development, ripped them off. You know, stupid kid stuff.
GVS: Well, how many years has this been pending, Space Ghost, and how much do you own them?
SG: Well, I don't know. Thirty-two million?
GVS: That's a lot, Space Ghost.
SG: Yeah, well, y'see, the thing is, they were young when they worked for me.
GVS: But see, you've now just admitted that you had employed them, now what are you gonna do, Space Ghost? That was a trick, I asked you how long you had employed them, and when they worked for you, and you admitted it.
SG: I don't know... Greta, be nice. Aren't you supposed to defend me?
GVS: I'll defend you.
SG: Okay, where do we start?
GVS: Cash up front, no credit cards, just cash up front.
DN: (appears on monitor next to Greta, split screen mode) I'd reconsider that, babe. I just uncovered some damaging evidence against big boy there. Roll that film, Molter.
M: (throws lever)
(Old scratchy 'Space Ghost' cartoon film clip plays on monitor)
J: Please, Space Ghost, don't make us fight Tyranor and his space piranhas!
J: My lungs just healed from the beating Metallus gave us.
B: (whimpers with head bandages)
SG: You little wimps make me sick! Do you want to go back to the home? Is that it? Huh?!
J: (sniff) No.
SG: Well then, stop sniveling and go capture Tyranor! I'll... catch up with you later. I'm, uh, gonna go get a quesadilla.
(Shot of Jan & Jace's ship approaching Tyranor)
J: Jace! Look out!
(Jan and Jace scream as Tyrenor crumples their ship like a soda can)
SG: You losers! No dinner for you tonight!
(Film clip ends)
DN: And don't think I forgot about Paris! I got that on tape too!
GVS: You're kidding!
SG: No, he, uh... I, kind of zapped...
GVS: What, did you zap Paris?
SG: Oh, you know, they bugged me, with, with their Frenchness.
GVS: Well, maybe, Space Ghost, maybe you have a little problem.
SG: What do you mean?
GVS: Well, it seems like you're provoking these lawsuits.
SG: Does that mean I'm in trouble?
GVS: Yeah, I think you are in a lot of trouble.
SG: Oh boy, oh boy.
GVS: And I just think it's hopeless for you. I think it's absolutely hopeless. I don't think anything's going to help you.
SG: (distraught) Come on, think of something!
GVS: I, you know what, we may be able to work a little deal out, Space Ghost, to help both of us.
SG: You think so?
DN: I'm listening.
GVS: Well, could Dr. Nightmare come, uh, tomorrow?
DN: Sure thing, babe. Maybe we could work something out over dinner, what do you say?
J: No deals! We want our money!
SG: Come on, kids, can't we all just get along?
DN: You know, I've been in jail.
DN: For stealing a brain.
GVS: For stealing a brain?
DN: Yeah, it was Space Ghost's brain.
GVS: You really shouldn't steal someone's brain.
DN: I suppose, but I kept part of it.
J: Tad, you pay up, or I'll tell everybody what you did to Dino Boy.
SG: Prepare for a blast from my spank ray.
DN: Don't you address my pimply client that way!
J: You tell him, Dr. Nightmare!
SG: Greta! Legal advice! Now!
GVS: I don't know, you're Space Ghost, can't you do anything?
SG: I could plead the fifth!
Z: If you can count that high.
GVS: I think you have a problem, Space Ghost.
SG: Look, Greta, we both work for Turner.
DN: Whoa, hold on second. (four kinds of dramatic sting music, followed by whimsical music) Turner? You mean, Ted Turner?
J: Is there a problem, Dr. Nightmare?
All (A): Attorney at Law.
DN: You bet there's a problem. You see, Ted Turner.. is my father. (whimsical music again) Sorry, kids, but you're on your own. I'll fax you my bill. See you later.
J: This is all your fault, Jace. We could have listened to Harvey and been Birdboy and Birdgirl, but noooo, you had to have inviso power! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
J: Jan! (his voice is breaking) Jan! Get a grip on... (clears throat) .. on yourself!
SG: What was that?
J: (with deeper voice) I've hit puberty! Yippee! Sorry, Jan, I gotta go. I've got.. things to do.
J: Oh well, that's that, guess I can always write a tell-all about my brilliant career with Space Jerk.
GVS: It sounds like you're home free again, Space Ghost.
SG: (drum beat & disco music begins in background) And now that I've beaten the legal system to a bloody lifeless pulp, it's your turn!
Z: Uh oh.
SG: Sue me, will you?
Z: Moltar! Help me!
M: (dials 911 on his monitor)
O: Please state your emergency.
M: Eh, I'd like to report a felony in progress.
(Credits roll, to tune of cheesy old commerical music)
SG: (behind bars, on Moltar's monitor) Moltar, you fink!
M: (laughs) (coughs)
DN: (clears throat)
Greta Van Susteren
C. Martin Croker
Big Deal Cartoons
C. Martin Croker
|INK & PAINT|
Michelle A. Long
Lisa D. Ellis
|ORIGINAL SPACE GHOST DESIGN|
© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.
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