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|Original Air Date:||December 17, 1999|
|Guest Star:||Jon Benjamin|
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(Open on set. Space Ghost is outside the glass yelling to Zorak and Moltar inside.)
Space Ghost (SG): -king dead! And if you don't open the door and let me in, you're fired.
Zorak (Z): Well, we're not opening the door. How ya like that?
SG: Then you are completely fired!
Moltar (M): Good! We didn't want to work here anyway!
SG: Good! 'Cause now you don't!
Z: Good! 'Cause we're leaving!
SG: Good! 'Cause that's good!
M: Pfft! Good!
(Moltar and Zorak walk off set)
SG: Hey! Hey! (knocks on window) Brak! (knocks again) C'mere, buddy! C'mere.
(Brak walks on set)
SG: Open the door.
Brak (B): No!
SG: I have beans.
B: Somebody say "beans"?
(Brak races to the door off-camera)
B: Who likes beans?!
SG: Press, press the blue button.
SG: No, not the yellow--
B: Yellow button!
SG: No...not that one.
B: It's lemony! And lemony's better than...AGGGHHH!!!
(Brak gets hurled into space. Meanwhile, Moltar and Zorak are in the airlock.)
M: What do you wanna do?
Z: Let's start a band!
M: Yeah! We'll call it "Freedom"! I like that.
Z: That sucks!
M: But "freedom" rhymes with "We from," like "We from the land of rock!"
(Zorak closes the airlock door)
M: What? It's good!
(Back to set, where Space Ghost and Brak are now both stuck behind the glass.)
B: Space Ghost...
SG: Shut up. Hey! (knocks on glass). Tansut! Hey!
(Tansut walks on set)
Tansut (T): Did somebody just yell, "Tansut!"?
SG: Hey, come over here, buddy. Yeah, open the door. (Tansut walks to the door off-camera) Press, press the blue button.
T: Oh, the pretty one?
SG: That's right.
B: But oh boy, do the yellow button!
T: Agggghhh!! I went flying!!!
(Tansut is hurled into space, where he flies past Space Ghost's apartment. Cut to inside, where we find Moltar and Zorak. Zorak is playing guitar while Moltar stands on the TV.)
Z: Moltar, c'mon! Rip it up!
(Moltar jumps off the TV to reveal a keyboard hung around his neck. He plays a light melody to accompany Zorak's metal guitar.)
Z: I said to rock, not to suck! (singing)
(Back to set, where Brak, Tansut and Space Ghost are all stuck outside the glass)
T: Why don't you just Inviso in there?
SG: No, this is what we'll do. (Brak and Tansut start walking toward the door) I will take on the form of steam and enter through the mail slot. Form of steam! Form of steam!
(Brak and Tansut walk back on set)
SG: Form of steam. Form of steam. Form of steam. Form of steam.
(Space Ghost looks at Tansut and Brak)
SG: You've wasted all the steam!
(Meanwhile, Zorak and Moltar are still jamming at Space Ghost's apartment. Suddenly, the power goes out.)
Z: Ya see that? Ya sucked all the lights out!
M: No, I blew the fuse's mind.
(Moltar suddenly disappears but Zorak misses it because he turns his head)
Z: God, you're dumb.
M: Where'd I go?
Z: Eh, let's just make some prank Calls.
M: Oh, I'm back.
Z: Quit lookin' at me.
(Back to set. Space Ghost starts the show as Tansut passes in front of the camera.)
T: And greetings to you, sir!
SG: I'm Space Ghost! And welcome to the big show! Tonight--
T: And I'm Tansut. I'll be your director tonight!
SG: Yeah, good. Well, I was just--
T: Is it bad if a chicken bites you?
SG: Did a chicken bite you?
T: Well, no. But he's gonna!
SG: Then go away from the chicken!
B: Hello, my peeps! Peace out!
SG: Brak, just shut up and play me to the desk.
B: But did ya know...!
T: (facing the curtain and muttering to himself.) Then go away from the chicken...
SG: Tansut! Is the guest ready?
T: I don't know! I'm not in the control room! Unless this is the control room! Is it?
SG: (sighs.) Brak, play me to the desk.
(Space Ghost invisos to desk)
B: (singing) Where'd he go? I don't know! Where's that Space Ghost? Where'd he go? To the desk!
SG: Thank you.
B: (high-pitched singing.) Da-da-da!! DA DA DAAAAAAAA! DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
(The guest monitor starts to drop, then gets stuck)
SG: And now the monitor is actually lowering. Tansut?
T: Oh! I'll fix it!
(The monitor goes back up toward the ceiling.)
B: You should interview a dinosaur!
SG: Forget it.
B: 'Cause I saw them once in a movie...'cause people don't see 'em!
SG: Yep, we'll do that. Never.
B: They don't live here.
(Space Ghost stands up to talk to Jon Benjamin. The shot is cut off so we can't see their eyes.)
SG: Jon, you ever notice the word "home" appears in a lot of songs?
B: They live on the dinosaur world.
SG: People always goin' home or comin' home.
Jon Benjamin (JB): I guess you're right.
SG: They never write songs about buyin' a home, though, do they? That seems weird to me.
JB: D'oh, Space Ghost...
SG: Hang on a second, Jon.
(Space Ghost jumps on top of the guest monitor and stomps it down to its normal position, prompting loud laughter from Brak.)
JB: Should a... Ha! Ha!
SG: Have you seen that show, Jon?
JB: The Dr. Katz show, that's the show you're talking about?
SG: No, not that show, Jon. The show I'm talking about has skeletal dogs.
JB: Oh well, tell me about it.
SG: Well, it's got dog skeletons with the bones that dogs do have. You know, I mean, the ones they own. That are in their body. Under the fur.
JB: Is it that great?
SG: Well, it hasn't aired yet, Jon, but I'm sure that it will.
JB: But you obviously haven't seen it.
SG: That's what I sh...that's what I meant to say when I said I had seen it, is that I want to see it. That's what I should have said.
(A phone rings)
JB: I am not taking calls right now. That's all there is to it.
SG: But it's my phone, Jon. And it's 'ranging'.
JB: Let it ring.
SG: But what if somebody's calling?
JB: Uh, take a message.
SG: All right. (answers phone) What's your message?
(Zorak is in Space Ghost's apartment on his phone)
Z: Please! Help me! I am being attacked!
M: And you're a woman.
Z: And, uh, I'm a woman.
M: Hang up. He'll be here any minute.
SG: She'd be dead by the time I got there.
(Space Ghost's phone rings again)
SG: Oh god. (answers phones) Greetings!
M: Come to your house.
SG: You know, from now on, could you call me before the attack? 'Cause otherwise you're just wasting my time.
M: Oh no, see, uh, I'm a cable guy.
M: And I'm a woman.
JB: Can you tell her to call back?
SG: I'll try.
(Cut to Space Ghost in "Dr. Katz"-style animation)
SG: But cable is important.
M: There's some good stuff on right now. And, uh, you oughta be here watchin' it.
(Space Ghost takes off)
JB: Is he gonna come back, or is that definitely not...?
JB: The guy that was right there.
B: He's gone?!
(Music starts as Brak suddenly sports a giant Carmen Miranda-style hat of fruit.)
B: Who likes beans?
T: I like beans!
B: I love beans! Wooo woo woo!!
(Cut to Zorak in Space Ghost's house.)
Z: Now what?
M: Uh, he's comin' here, so we should probably go there. That works, right?
Z: Eh, and crank call him here from over there.
M: Yes! And as he picks up the phone, we'll jump out and kill him with zombies! (laughs as Zorak stares.) What's wrong with that?
(Back to Space Ghost set)
B: (singing) I'm gonna strip! I'm gonna take off my clothes! I'm gonna undress! I'm gonna take off my--
M: Knock it off! (slams a dissonant chord on the keyboard.) This ain't no Cartoon Planet.
B: You coulda just turned it off.
Z: Brak, put your clothes back on.
JB: There's nothing wrong with a beautiful body. I'm saying if you have it, you, it's there for a reason. Show it around.
Z: Oh ho ho, we are so taking that TV.
(Back at his house, Space Ghost is watching a skeletal dog on TV)
SG: These shows sure are something. I'm glad I'm watching them.
(The phone rings)
SG: (answers.) Space Ghost residence! Space Ghost speaking!
M: Come back here, to the studio.
SG: Can you hold on a second?
M: Uh, sure.
(Space Ghost holds the phone away from his ear so he can pay attention to "Circus of the Barking Dead" on the TV.)
SG: No, I'm here. I'm here.
M: Look, you want your cable cut off?
SG: No! Precious cable! I will give every hair on my body for it!
M: Then get back to the studio!
(Space Ghost zips back to the studio, where the guest monitor is missing.)
SG: Tansut, where's my TV?
T: I'm stripping!
SG: Yeah, I know. Where's my TV?
T: (has his shirt off.) The case of the missing TV.
B: (has his shirt off.) Fa-na-da-DAAAAA!!!
SG: What's wrong with you? (cut to Zorak at Space Ghost's house, talking into the guest monitor.)
Z: Look at these muscles!
JB: Wow, they're really bouncy.
Z: What do you mean by that?
JB: Well, you know you're middle-age, and sometimes things settle.
Z: How dare you say that to me!
M: Should I unleash the zombies?
Z: Look, man, that's just, uh, very unrealistic.
SG: (speaking on his TV) Viewers of the world! One of you took my television! And I want it back! Tansut, tell me--
(The shot suddenly switches to Brak. Space Ghost goes to the control room, where Tansut is still undressed.)
SG: Did you get that?
T: My navel can hold a quart of bean dip.
B: Somebody say beans?
(Music starts and Brak again pops up wearing his giant Carmen Miranda fruit hat)
B: Who likes beans?
(The shot in the monitor cuts to Zorak)
Z: So, Ghost, we meet again! (laughs.)
SG: Zorak, someone stole my TV, and it wasn't me! 'Cause it's mine! You get me?
(Zorak punches Jon Benjamin in the stolen guest monitor)
Z: We have your guest!
SG: And my TV!
Z: And we have many demands that are very unreasonable!
M: And disorganized! We have to sort them out and prioritize! 'Cause some of the demands maybe aren't as strong as others, and still others aren't as outrageous so they go in a separate box and the what, uh...from the...uh...
Z: Just give us two weeks!
(Two weeks later. Zorak lands in the control room holding a tape, which Space Ghost grabs)
SG: Thank you.
Z: You're welcome.
B: You're welcome! No, you're welcome! No, you're welcome!
(Space Ghost cuts Brak off by playing the tape in the control room monitor. He searches through the tape.)
Z: Keep goin'.
SG: Okay, Aunt Grabby, here it comes.
(A movie preview-style screen pops up with a warning:)
The following preview has been approved by all aliens in the Intergalactic Motion Picture Empire.
This motion picture has been rated U due to unreasonable demands.
Announcer (A): They came from different worlds, then they kidnapped Jon Benjamin and took him to someone's apartment. And that's when they made...Unreasonable Demands!
Z: I want a pet I can love, but I don't want to take care of it!
M: Okay, we rollin'?
A: Only one thing can stop them, and that thing doesn't exist. Yet.
JB: Well, I just...
Z: You get nothing!
JB: Would you let me go on? I mean, why interrupt?
M: 'Cause we're rude!
JB: Can I have my sucker back?
A: Unreasonable Demands!
Z: We get it, or he gets it! Or you get it! Ya get it?
A: Get it - this Christmas! Unreasonable Commands! This film is not yet rated.
(Graphic on screen reads:
This film is not yet rated.
X55 approval pending - content insured Contact - Zenylox, Juggler of the Stars)
B: I'm goin' to the movies!
T: Me too!
SG: Wait a minute! Computer, zoom in.
(Computer zooms in on painting of Golden Gate Bridge on Space Ghost's wall.)
Automated Voice (AV): Enhancing. Enhancing complete.
SG: That's the bridge I painted. It's like they filmed this tape recording in an exact replica of my apartment. Wait a minute! They must be in my apartment! But wait a minute...
SG: How'm I gonna get in there?
SG: Wait a minute. I have the keys. Perfect!
(Cut to Moltar in Space Ghost's apartment.)
M: Maybe what we oughta do, is we die, and then we come back as zombies.
Z: Just give the whole zombie thing a rest, all right?
M: But zombies don't rest, see? That's the beauty. They feast on living brains.
(Space Ghost is standing outside his apartment speaking through a megaphone.)
SG: I HAVE THE KEYS! IT IS MY APARTMENT!
Z: Oh no, the keys!
SG: IF YOU'RE WATCHING MY CABLE, PLEASE DESCRIBE WHAT'S ON!
Z: What about our unreasonable demands?
SG: YOU DIDN'T LIST ANY. LOOKS LIKE YOUR MOVIE IS GOING DIRECTLY TO VIDEO. VIDEO PRISON!
Z: Oh yeah? Well, we're sending Benjamin out in pieces!
SG: THAT'LL BE FINE. JUST DON'T TOUCH MY TV, OKAY? OR YOU'RE --KING DEAD! (CLEARS THROAT) SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU ALL WATCHING?
Z: Hang on. It's, it's on, but we're not watching it.
SG: YOU'RE WASTING IT! I'M COMING IN!
(Space Ghost enters his apartment, where Moltar and Zorak are standing with lampshades on their heads.)
SG: Hmm. These aren't my lamps. These have feet. This must not be my apartment.
(Jon Benjamin laughs from the guest monitor, which is also under a lampshade.)
SG: I'd better go get a new apartment.
(Cut to Burial Ground Apartments - Now Renting. Space Ghost is standing inside a cursed apartment with a toaster, a boot, a scary photo, a book called "Matt's Mind" by Maiellaro, another book called "The Spells of Love" by Willis, a fork and other various items swirling around him.)
SG: I'm not going to let them get me. I'm not. I'm not gonna let them get me.
C. Martin Croker
Man or Astroman?
© 1999 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.
Click here to view the episode on the Adult Swim site.
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