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|Original Air Date:||October 15, 1999|
|Guest Star:||Steven Wright|
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(Black screen with legend in lower left corner:)
Steven Wright (SW): (voiceover) My long lost father, finally you... (appears on-screen in guest monitor) you admit that you're my father.
Space Ghost (SG): (with Steven Wright hair) Yeah, well, good luck proving it.
Moltar (M): Space Ghost! I'm pickin' up four unidentified heat sources on my monitor screen.
SG: Well, they're probably just creatures, Moltar. (pause) Space creatures.
M: They just violated our air space.
SG: Bring me my monocle. I want to look rich.
SW: And that other father that they told me was my father, is he a stepfather or just a stranger posing...
SG: (reading magazine) Uh, I don't know. Have you seen this? (shows Wright Magazine)
SW: Do you like human women?
SG: I like these twins.
M: Here's an update on those flying, dangerous space creatures...
SG: Fill me in.
M: They just entered the building through the loading dock.
(Pause, goes back to reading magazine)
SW: Under these clothes I'm wearing, (a green pod is now in front of Space Ghost's desk) I'm wearing a ballerina outfit.
SG: Yeah. What's this pod doing here?
Zorak (Z): Replicating.
SG: Replicating what?
(Dramatic sting music as camera cuts to various pods thoughout the set sitting next to Moltar, Zorak, Wright and Space Ghost)
SG: Oh no! Replicating pods! The kind that keep you up all night with their coughing!
M: No, the kind that copy your DNA, kill you off, and take over while you sleep!
SG: With their coughing.
M: Ugh...did you hear what I just sai-?
SG: No one sleeps with my grandmother! Right?
Z: Right. (off camera) From now on.
SG: This is for Nana! (Blasts one of the pods. The pod grows larger)
Z: It's feeding on the rays!
SG: It's the rays! It's... it's feeding on them! (screams like a woman) What should I do?
Z: Heh heh heh! Shoot it some more!
SG: But it seems to be feeding on the rays!
M: Then stop shootin' it!
SG: Do what now? Oh! (stops shooting) Dang it! Well, it looks like they can't be killed. Uh, here Zorak, trade with me.
Z: Heh heh heh! I don't think so. (evil laughing prompting Space Ghost to Blast the pod closest to Zorak) NO00000!
SG: (blasting pod) Who's laughing now, Zorak? Who's laughing now?
(Pods make squeaking noises)
(Space Ghost is staring at one of the pods)
Z: Hey. Touch it. Go on! See what happens.
M: Touch it. You know you want to.
Z: C'mon, man. Touch it.
(Space Ghost warily approaches pod)
M: Yes, feel its heat.
Z: Touch it!
M: Stroke its supple contours.
Z: Nothing'll happen. Just touch it. (whispers) It's what you wanna do. Touch it.
(Space Ghost inches closer to pod)
M: You know you want to. Touch it!
Z: Touch it!
M: It's there for you to Touch.
(Space Ghost's finger gets ever closer)
Z: You know you wanna.
(Space Ghost stops just an inch away from the pod)
SG: There, I touched it! Now I have to leave.
Z: No, you did not!
SG: No, I did! I touched It!
(Space Ghost leaves and his pod follows)
SW: Who else is going to be on the show?
Z: Your guts.
(An out-of-breath Space Ghost opens exit door. He sees that the building is coated in orange goo.)
SG: (screams like a girl) The Blob! (Pod moves closer. Screams like a girl again as he flies back to the desk) Very scary monster! (Clears throat) I'm back!
Z: Where'd you G-
(Dramatic music as blob covers window of studio and all of Ghost Planet)
Z: I said, where did you G-
(Dramatic music as blob covers window of studio)
Z: I SAID WHERE DID Y-
SG: (Yawn.) I am so sleepy.
Z: (looking tired and yawning) Yeah...
(Moltar is asleep on control room floor as pod gets closer to him; rest of group is falling asleep as pods close in. Zorak catches himself and suddenly wakes up, followed by Moltar, Space Ghost and then Wright)
Z: (coughing) We should take turns sleeping. You go first.
SG: You'll wake me up if the pod starts to replicate me, right?
Z: Probably not.
SG: Listen to me. We're not gonna live through this unless we all put aside our differences and band together as Friends.
(Moltar flips switch as Zorak starts playing lullaby)
SG: You see, that's exactly what I'm talking about. (blasts Zorak)
SW: I might need another coffee.
SG: Good idea! We'll go get some coffee. You stay here, try to live. If anything bad happens...to you...well, we'll be getting coffee!
SW: (laughs) Father! You are my hero!
SG: Yeah. Thanks!
(Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak leave for commissary, followed closely by pods)
SW: (staring at pod) Are, you're not human are you? (pod starts to open) Y..you should get that checked. Or I admire it. I don't know the reaction you want! I, I fear you! (pod moves closer) You're gonna kill me! (laughs)
(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar sit in commissary, surrounded by pods. Screaming from the studio can be heard. No one says a word as the screaming goes on and on.)
M: So, uh... (screaming from studio) Um, see I wor- (screaming from studio). This may... (short scream). This... (short scream). Nothin' (longer scream)
SG: I have an idea.
(A mop bucket with a hand-drawn Space Ghost mask and cape rolls onto the empty set)
SG: (as if talking to a dog) There goes Space Ghost! Go get him! Go get Space Ghost! He's gettin' away! Ooh, Space Ghost's gettin' away! Bad Space Ghost! Go get Space Ghost now! He's gettin' away! Ooh da, bad Space Ghost! Look at him! Look at him, he's gettin' away with his cape flyin' and everything! Go get Space Ghost!
M: (Sigh.) They're not buyin' it.
SG: They're not buying it because you messed it up!
M: What? I was just trying to-
SG: I've got it! We'll get the Blob to kill the pods!
M: How we gonna do that?
SG: (at exit door) Hey, uh, Blob. You, uh, heard all the stuff the pods have been saying about your mother? (laughs) People are laughin', man. (pause) So, uh, you wanna come in here? And kill the pods? 'Cause of what they said? About your Mother?
(Noises from Blob)
SG: I'm sorry. I, I had no idea. What's that, pods? The Blob is very fat?!
Z: Didn't work, did it?
SG: Of course it worked! But now I have a better plan. One that excludes the Blob's stupid mother. I'm going to order one of those mind-erasing kits.
M: Ya already have one!
SG: I know.
SG: Can't you see? If we erase our minds and forget how sleepy we are, we'll stay awake forever! (pause) So this is my idea. I'm thinking about ordering one of those mind-erasing kits.
SG: Here's what we do. We order one of those mind-erasing kits.
M: You already HAVE ONE!
SG: If I already had one, don't you think I'd remember that?
Z: So go get it!
SG: Get what?
M: The kit!
SG: What kit?
Z: All right, here's the plan. We create a diversion by throwing the planet's orbital axis off by 13 degrees. Actually, 10 degrees should do it. You don't want to throw it off too much because, well, you know. (Pause.) Now, once we've lowered the gravitational fields by, say, 40 gigawatts and secured the outer perimeter...securely...well I, I think we'll be just fine. (Picks up laser gun) Any questions? (cut to Space Ghost wearing monocle) Okay, then! Move out! Lock and load! Happy Birthday! And stay frosty! (cocks gun and fires off-camera)
SG: I'm going to order one of those...
M: All right, I've got a plan. We all know rust never sleeps, right? (Pause.) Right. So, if we all rust, we'll never sleep. Eh? Eh?
SG: Moltar, you're the only one here made of metal. How are we gonna rust?
M: So after you get metal-plated, that's when we all go to the beach. To rust.
SG: Gee, that's a great plan, Moltar. But if we could get to the beach, we wouldn't have to be metal-plated.
SG: How many times do I have to tell ya? Because we'd be at the beach!
SG: Mayday! Mayday! I'm Space Ghost and I am in some big danger! My plans were foolproof, (pod gets closer and falls over) but it started feeding on the rays! And then Moltar had a plan that never would have worked. (pod gets bigger and closer) I need a ship to rescue me. I'll be waiting for you out by the front gate. Thank you!
M: Nobody can hear ya, Space Ghost. We've been off the air for 10 days.
SG: Excuse me. (invisos into control room, face-to-face with Moltar) Please don't tell me how to do it. It sickens me.
SG: Mmmm, this is some good coffee! I thought we were out of coffee.
Z: I found some more. It's in the orange container.
SG: (does spittake into camera) You fool! (Collapses) That's decaf!
(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar instantly fall asleep as pods move closer... and begin opening)
Olden Times of Long Ago
Colonial Man (CM): Oh, hello there! I didn't see you. I was busy reading my colonial book! I suppose you're wondering what happened to Space Ghost and his fabled gang. Well, I don't know! (evil laugh, cut to shot of Colonial Man as snarling vampire, then back to himself) But you can find out by checking eBay.com (text on screen: "Bid on the 'Space Ghost Ending' at www.ebay.com"), as they have a one-of-a-kind ending, that you can purchase starting at $7. Now leave me! For I must finish my colonial book! (growling sound effect as Colonial Man chuckles at book)
(Dramatic music as screen goes to black with white text:)
|Only One Will Win|
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