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Original Air Date:August 7, 1998
Guest Stars:Dr. Drew Pinsky, Marc Weiner
Synopsis:Space Ghost diagnoses himself with a terminal illness and tries to convince guest star Dr. Drew to let him take his clothes off. We also discover that Zorak likes sad piano music in this "whacked-out" episode.

(Synopsis by Sinko)

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(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar in the commissary)

Space Ghost: I'm sorry about this, but I can't help it. And I can't talk to you two long or I'll get upset. (sobs) I want you two to make a lot of friends, and I want you to be real nice to the girls, 'cause they're going to be real important to you soon. I swear.

Zorak: We're not afraid of girls, what makes you think that?

Space Ghost: You may be later on.

Zorak: I doubt it.

Moltar: Why don't you shut up? Shut up!

Zorak: You shut up!

Space Ghost: You be sweet. Be sweet! And stop trying to pretend that you hate me. I mean, that's silly.

Moltar: I like you.

Space Ghost: Okay then. Will you listen especially close? I know you like me. I know it. For the last two years you've been pretending like you hate me. I love you very much. I love you as much as I love anybody. I, I love you as much as I love myself. (piano music swells in background) In a few years when I haven't been around to be on your tail about something or irritating you, you're gonna remember. You're gonna remember the time I bought you the baseball glove, when you thought we were too broke. Or when I read you stories. When I let you goof off instead of mowing the lawn. Lots of things like that. And you're gonna realize that you loved me, and maybe you'll feel bad because you never told me. I know that you love me.

(Music gets louder and louder, drowning out Space Ghost; it is coming from Zorak's boom box)

Zorak: I love this song!

(Sunset in background; singing with guitar accompaniment begins)

When thoughts
Of the last bitter hour come like a blight
over thy spirit, and sad images
Of the stern agony, and shroud, and pall,
And breathless darkness, and the narrow house,
Make thee to shudder, and grow sick at heart;
Go forth, under the open sky, and list
To Nature's teachings, while from all around--
Earth and her waters, and the depths of air--
Comes a voice--Yet a few days, and thee
The all-beholding sun shall see no more
In all his course; nor yet in the cold ground,
Where thy pale form was laid, with many tears.

(Space Ghost invisos to set)

Space Ghost: Greetings, I'm Space Ghost. And I have a very important annoucement to make concerning my death. (sighs) Ladies and gentlemen, I, Space Ghost, am dying.

(Zorak and Way-outs play some upbeat Dixieland music)

Moltar: So, are you gonna go to your desk?

Space Ghost: (distraught) I can't.

Moltar: Why not?

Space Ghost: Or it may be my last time. Soon, I will no longer be bound to this -

Moltar: (shouts) Move it!

Space Ghost: (sighs) I'm gonna miss this part. (invisos to desk) (way-outs stop playing) I love that part. (sniffs and sobs)

Moltar: Uh, can I have your cape?

Space Ghost: I need my cape.

Moltar: Not where you're going. (laughs)

Space Ghost: (sobs quietly with hand over his face)

Zorak: Would you feel better if I jabbed you in the eye?

Space Ghost: (stops sobbing) No, I feel okay.

Zorak: How about a head butt?

Space Ghost: No, no thank you. (sobs again) It's just there's so many things I haven't done with my life.

Moltar: Like what?

Space Ghost: Like what?! Well, for one thing, I've never ridden on a barge. And, I've never met Boomer Esiason. It's all so unfair! (choir voices swell in background; Space Ghost flies into space) I've never even eaten an omelet. (flies back to his desk) Oh well, surely there are omelets in heaven.

Moltar: What makes you so sure you're going to heaven?

Space Ghost: Oh, whatever. As long as they have omelets.

Zorak: You're just makin' this up so we'll feel bad for ya!

Space Ghost: Frankly, Zorak, that's offensive. Like I would make up such a thing. (coughs twice, very unconvincingly) See, you hear that? It won't be long now.

Moltar: Yeah, um, what's gonna happen to us?

Space Ghost: Well, you're free to go. Isn't that great?

Zorak: (stares wide-eyed)

Moltar: Really?

Space Ghost: No. (laughs) You're part of a franchise. And by the end of tonight's show, we'll have my replacement. So to get that going, bring in my first guest.

Marc Weiner: (lowers on monitor, in "Weinerville" miniature person set) Aha! Joey Deluxe, super-agent.

Space Ghost: Greetings, Joey. I understand you represent top-notch talent.

Marc Weiner: That's right!

Space Ghost: Joey, I need your help. I've been diagnosed as one who is near death.

Marc Weiner: (trying to keep his toupe from falling off) I'd like to help you out, but I got a little problem of my own right now.

Space Ghost: Joey, do you have any ideas of who could replace me as host of this show? I know it's a tall order.

Marc Weiner: (his toupe falls over his face) Space Ghost! Ah, oh boy! Help me! It's, it's an alien, it's takin' over my face!

Space Ghost: Now, it should be someone just like me, only not dead.

Marc Weiner: Ah, fantastic! Was that a joke?

Space Ghost: Very serious, Joey.

Marc Weiner: What an operation.

Space Ghost: So, can you help me?

Marc Weiner: Ha ha! Fantastic!

Space Ghost: Fantastic!

Marc Weiner: Fantastic! Ow! Ow! Ahh! (toupe falls off again) (fades from monitor)

Space Ghost: Fantastic!

Zorak: (glares)

Space Ghost: (sighs) I really love these cards. They're a part of me. They've been along for the ride. (tap tap tap) What a ride it has been. (tap) I'd do it all over again if I could, but next time there would be a little Space Ghost to extend the family line.

(Transition to imaginary alternate timeline; Space Ghost in Phantom Cruiser with little Space Ghost beside him)

Roy Allen: (sobbing)

Space Ghost: What's the matter, Roy Allen?

Roy Allen: (sobbing) I didn't hit the ball today!

Space Ghost: Oh, there's plenty of other balls in the sea, son. Besides, you're not very talented. Ya have no hand-eye coordination.

Roy Allen: (continues sobbing)

(Transition back to studio)

Space Ghost: Zorak, Moltar, listen up (Choir voices swell in background) When I inviso out -- all the way out -- I want to be buried right here, in the studio.

Moltar: Space Ghost, what if you don't die?

Space Ghost: Well, that would be good for me, Moltar.

Moltar: No, I mean, what if you just go into a coma or somthing. What then? Do we get to pull the plug?

Zorak: Ooh! I wanna pull it!

Moltar: Why should you get to pull it?

Zorak: Oh, come on!

Moltar: I asked!

Space Ghost: Oh, let me sleep on it, I'll let you know tomorrow. (Eh! Listen to me, talkin' about tomorrow. How brave of me.)

(Marc Weiner reappears on monitor, in another guise)

Space Ghost: Well, hello there! Joey Deluxe must've sent you.

Marc Weiner: Greetings, Space Ghost, and a howdy doody to you too!

Space Ghost: Identify yourself, space man!

Marc Weiner: Commander Ozone, Defender of.. the Universe!

Space Ghost: (aside) Joey was right, he's perfect! (to Marc) Commander, have you ever seen my show?

Marc Weiner: Oh no... Dear...

Space Ghost: Well, I'd like you to meet Zorak. He'll be your bandleader. Have you ever worked with a mantis?

Marc Weiner: No I haven't. Maybe you want to tell me about him.

Space Ghost: He's over there on your left.

Marc Weiner: (waves stick) Bad! (waves stick again) Ow! Just hit myself on the head with the stick.

Space Ghost: (laughs) (Hey, I just laughed. That is so brave of me.)

Marc Weiner: Uh oh!

Space Ghost: (... so very brave to laugh...)

Marc Weiner: I'm havin' a little problem here. (his earphone is falling out, he tries to fix it with the puppet's miniature hand) Wait, wait a minute, I'll get that.

Space Ghost: (... when dying...)

Marc Weiner: (his earphone has fallen out) I can't hear you, Space Ghost, we're havin' a, it must be a meteor breakin' us up.

Space Ghost: Never mind that, Commander. Now listen up. After I begin my journey across the river Styx, I still want the name of my show to be Space Ghost Coast to Coast, so you're going to have to change your name to Space Ghost.

Marc Weiner: Yeah, but I'm a Commander! Commander Ozone! My real name is Herbert.

Space Ghost: No, Herbert, your name is Space Ghost. Say it with me: Space Ghost.

Marc Weiner: (in unison) Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Congratulations, son, you've got the job. I know you'll make me proud.

Marc Weiner: Thank you, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: No, thank YOU, Space Ghost. (Marc fades from monitor)

Zorak: So, you're really dyin', huh?

Space Ghost: Yup, can you believe it?

Zorak & Moltar: No.

Space Ghost: That's cold, not believing a dying man. (coughs twice unconvincingly again)

Zorak: Yeah, well, we've got a doctor here to give you a second opinion.

Space Ghost: You do?

Zorak: Sure do.

Space Ghost: A doctor.

Zorak: That's right, sweetie.

Space Ghost: Hm. Well, I have no problem with that. A real doctor?

Zorak: Yep.

Space Ghost: Well, I have no problem with that, send him in.

(Drew Pinsky appears on monitor)

Space Ghost: Greetings, Doctor.

Drew Pinsky: Greetings.

Space Ghost: They say I have a terminal illness.

Drew Pinsky: And who, who told you you have that?

Space Ghost: A doctor.

Drew Pinsky: Are you a ghost?

Space Ghost: I'm Space Ghost.

Drew Pinsky: But I mean, are you a phantom or are you a ghost?

Space Ghost: I'm Space Ghost. Should I take my clothes off?

Drew Pinsky: Well, I'm, I, if we're going to...

Space Ghost: Because I don't mind getting a thorough examination.

Drew Pinsky: What was the, what was the problem again?

Space Ghost: Dying, illness, impending death.

Drew Pinsky: But, does the illness have a name?

Space Ghost: They didn't specify. So, do I take my clothes off yet?

Drew Pinsky: Let me, let me keep going with the history before we get on with the taking, taking the clothes off part.

Space Ghost: Right. Sometimes it hurts when I sit down. Is that bad?

Drew Pinsky: I, I'm ... Can we talk about something else?

Space Ghost: I swallowed a bolt once, is that bad?

Drew Pinsky: A what?

Space Ghost: A bolt.

Drew Pinsky: Really. Is that part of the, you know, nutrients spectrum for Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: No, dummy, it's metal. Who eats metal?

Drew Pinsky: Okay. And, do you have parents?

Space Ghost: Who doesn't?

Drew Pinsky: Do they have medical problems? Are they still alive?

Space Ghost: Right.

Drew Pinsky: Ah. (pause) Space Ghost, you're not a very good historian.

Space Ghost: Right, so I should take my clothes off.

Drew Pinsky: (trying to keep a straight face) Alright.

Space Ghost: Or I should wait.

Drew Pinsky: Do you have a cardiovascular system?

Space Ghost: What is this, Eleven Questions? Yes, of course I have a vardiocascular system!

Drew Pinsky: Does it resemble the humanoid system?

Space Ghost: Pretty much, except for the no-blood part.

Drew Pinsky: What does it pump around, by the way, if not blood?

Space Ghost: Oh, you know. Juices and such.

Drew Pinsky: Okay. And is there a digestive system?

Space Ghost: Most definitely.

Drew Pinsky: Oh. Yours is having problems?

Space Ghost: It is? Well, that seems to be the problem then.

Drew Pinsky: Ah. That, that's where the disease is, in the digestive system.

Space Ghost: Well, it's gotta be, right? Where else could it be?

Drew Pinsky: Uh, I'll take your word for it.

Space Ghost: You're the doctor.

Drew Pinsky: Yes, absolutely.

Space Ghost: Doctor, break it to the universe how long I've got to live.

Drew Pinsky: Um, given that you would not do this as a ratings ploy, and I genuinely believe your sincerity, let's say death is imminent.

(Zorak and Way-outs start playing upbeat Dixieland jazz music again)

Space Ghost: (blasts Zorak with his destructo ray)

Drew Pinsky: I, I hope you're gonna be, uh, okay with the news.

Space Ghost: Oh, I'll get by. (monitor raises to ceiling) Somehow. (alarm clock bell sound) Well, it's.. time for me to die. (gets up and walks in front of desk) Ah. (falls down)

(Camera slowly zooms in on fallen Space Ghost, with eyes closed. Ethereal sound in background slowly swells. After a long time...)

Space Ghost: (still lying on the floor) (opens his eyes) Huh. This isn't so bad.

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Matt Harrigan
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Sonny Sharrock
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Alfrieda Gerald
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C. Martin Croker
Dave Sillman
Pat Epstein
Jay Bellissimo
Mark Coddington
Wilem Madison
Roy Clements
Vishal Roney
Nina Bishop
Gus Jordan
Maya McClure
James Huffman
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Joey Googe
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Carolina Pictures, Inc.
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Kenny Crow
William Cullen Bryant
Alex Toth
Chip Duffey
Greg Harrison
Isabel Gonzalez
Vishal Roney
Jim Fortier
Barry Mills
Dave Willis
Pete Smith
Matt Harrigan
Keith Crofford

© 1998 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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